The “doctor” is in: Our medical analysis, revival plan for Chicago sports teams

As we are all painfully aware, and as the year 2024 winds down in a “way-too-fast-I-can’t-believe-it-went-by-so-quickly” way, we decided to take a closer look at the sad current state of our beloved Chicago sports teams. 

In medical terms, overall, it could be only gently put as not good.  A more gruesome, and maybe more accurate, analysis might be that death is not imminent, but the patient is definitely in need of some serious revival.

With that as a depressing preface, let us do a quick wellness check on each of the teams, and see if we can find some medical procedures that might improve their current desperate state.

Here it is, team by team. Take notes, and there may be a test on this material at a later date.

Chicago Cubs:

Medical diagnosis:  Stable—but not improving. 

Suggested Prescription:  Keep developing the young players, but add in a few veteran stars. (Which they just did!)  Complete overhaul is not needed, but patient seems to be in a constant fog of mediocrity, so a few sudden jolts from the AED machine may be required.

Final patient analysis:  Stabilization seems assured, but getting patient back to full health (championship level)  may unfortunately be a long and winding road. 

Chicago White Sox: 

Medical Diagnosis: Situation Critical. Artificial life support may be required. 

Suggested Prescription: Might be too late. Patient may have to be put to sleep, with Power of Attorney permission of course. 

Final patient analysis: Too late. Best to do major revamp and start completely over. 

Chicago Sky: 

Medical diagnosis: Sick, fever, possible infections—but nothing life-threatening.

Suggested Prescription: Take a strong dose of positive team karma (the new coach should help!), add in one point guard, a couple three-point shooters, and then call me in the morning. 

Final patient analysis: With proper infection defense procedures, and taking medication as prescribed, patient should be back to normal and challenging for WNBA championships in two or three years. 

Chicago Bulls:

Medical Diagnosis: Long-term malaise and bad case of the “blahs.”  Possible clinical depression (definitely so for their fans).

Suggested prescription: Keep the current coach, keep the up-tempo playing style, while making sure to get rid of the “excess fat”.  Also, one more angry, ornery, very large big man would help.

Final Patient Analysis: Patient should be back to normal in no time at all.  But optimum health (championship-level contention) still a long way off, and might require a superstar-type transplant. 

Chicago Fire:

Medical Diagnosis: Serious, barely stable condition.  Not life-threatening–yet--but requires immediate action.

Suggested Prescription: Bring in a new coach, someone from the outside with a new attitude and a new way to connect to their loyal fan base...which they just did!

Final Patient Analysis: Amazingly fast recovery expected!  Patient shows signs of being better than ever, and doctors expect them to be hoisting a championship cup sooner than later.

Chicago Blackhawks:

Medical Diagnosis: Concerns here due to the unknown nature of their sickness.  All indications are the patient should be in reasonably good health­—but nausea, brain fog, and sinus conditions still exist.

Suggested Prescription: ????.  Doctors temporarily frozen on what medication to provide.  A wait-and-see (and study) analysis is best recommended.

Final Patient Analysis: Once the reason for the sickness is discovered, the patient should be able to resume normal activities (like winning hockey games).  But the mystery of the illness does increase concern for something of a more serious nature.

Chicago Bears

Medical Diagnosis: Critical! Condition getting worse and doctors worried about downward trend.  Complete organ transplant being considered.

Suggested Prescription: Find a way to get new ownership. But the “family grip” on this once-proud franchise is like a cancer that continues to grow.

Final Patient Analysis:  Despite the very serious condition, which is showing signs of getting worse, doctors seem reasonably confident in successful recovery down the road.  The body parts are strong, the fan base is loyal …also, finding a new home may help patient’s mental outlook.