The Mr. Olympia winner–and some others you might have missed!

Last weekend in Las Vegas, Mr. Olympia 2024 was crowned in a highly competitive field of competitors. It was well oiled muscle vs. well oiled muscle baring almost all in this spectacular show of male bodybuilding while the thankfully much more clothed judges had to go numerous recounts before finally determining the winner.

Crowned champion for the first time was “The Nigerian Lion,” Samson Dauda, barely beating out Iran’s Hadi Choopan, also known as “The Persian Wolf.” A bitter defeat for “The Persian Wolf,” we might add, as he has taken second place a number of times in this competition, but has yet to win the ultimate championship.

“Always the bridesmaid, but never the bride,” might be the motto for the brave but disappointed Choopan. A “bridesmaid,” we might add, with dresses that no doubt had to be specially cut.

Rounding out the top five were defending champion Derek Lanksford, Martin Fitzwater (sounds to me like a Jewish lawyer), and Andrew Jacked (he had to have his last name changed because  "Lovejoy"  just wasn’t going to cut it in the bodybuilding world).

Those were the top five…. But—we here at The Chicago Star, through our unique and secretive ways, were able to uncover some other contestants who didn’t quite crack the top five for Mr. Olympia 2024, failed contestants such as:

Tom “The Patriot” Brady—eliminated because judges were so distracted by his cute face they forgot to look at the bodybuilding part of the judging.

Jerry “The Complainer” Seinfeld—eliminated not just for bad jokes, and complaining about small nuances, but also for too much hair on his chest (an absolute no-no in the world of bodybuilding).

Keith “Sexy But Sagging” Richards (of the Rolling Stones)—He would have won the 80 and over ex-drug-addict division, but that division was eliminated because too many rock stars were winning.

Bill “Wild Bill” Clinton—Actually was in contention until he took all his clothes off in a last ditch effort to sway the judges and pull off the victory.  His subsequent disqualification (for completely undressing) was roundly cheered by the audience in attendance.

Donald “The Orange Feature Creature”—Lost because the backstage judges deemed his one piece “muscle” singlet unfit for public consumption. The Orange Feature Creature then created a stir by storming off stage claiming there was a conspiracy against him and demanding a recount.

CNN’s Jake Tapper—Judges let him in the contest just so he couldn’t host another debate. “It was worth seeing him in his shorts and muscle poses,” said one judge, “just to get him off my TV screen for a couple days.” A disappointed Tapper was quoted as saying, “I just needed some kind of distraction from all this election coverage.”

CNN’s Wolf “I don’t need a nickname, because my real name is bad enough” Blitzer—Almost made the finals by flexing profusely, and his all-over body hair covered up any muscle deficiencies. Blitzer’s defeat was NOT called “breaking news”…but it could have been.

Kaitlyn “Bruce” Jenner—Disqualified from competition for being a female, despite the impressive bodybuild. A hotly upset Jenner was quoted as saying, “Don’t make me go back!,” which almost scared the judges into allowing her into the next round.

North Korea’s Kim Jong “The Jong Gong” Un—One judge said this about the nearly naked North Korean leader in his muscle poses, “seeing him without much clothes on and then flexing for the cameras, was even scarier than his nuclear bomb threats.”

Will “Mad Dog” Ferrell—Despite not making the top five, judges were impressed. “Clearly he has been working out since his naked running scene in that frat boy movie.” Ferrel proudly accepted his “dishonorable” mention award, and then scared everybody in attendance by declaring ” I will be back, and wearing even less clothes next time.”

Vin “The Mack Truck” Diesel—The powerful and well-built Diesel was so upset with his defeat he openly challenged winner Samson Dauda to a fight. “These guys can pose and flex,” Diesel was heard saying, “but they fight like a bunch of pansies.”

Chicago Mayor Brandon “Don’t Mess with Me” Johnson—Clearly agitated by being eliminated early in the first round, Johnson was quoted as saying, “I should have won. All these judges should resign immediately and let me name my own judges.”

Tom “Fantastic Fifties” Cruise—Flashed his famous smile, but it had no effect on the judges. Cruise said he should have at least made the second round of competition, stating, “I started my career with my famous movie scene in my underwear, I wanted to finish it the same way.”